Narcissism
Childhood:
Learned manipulative behaviors from parents, severe emotional and/or physical abuse, unpredictable or unreliable caregiving from parents, narcissistic parent(s), excessive praise for good behavior or excessive criticism for bad behavior; which leads to shame and false guilt, major trauma from separation/attachment, severe emotional neglect; which is another form of abuse. These can be just some of the things the child had experienced.
Adulthood:
Lack of empathy, underlying sense of entitlement, exaggerated self concern, unable to have deep relationships, constant denial of damages they inflicted, themselves – if they do admit, its at a very minimal emotional level, destructive and self-defeating in marriages, failure to recognize others emotions, feelings and needs – especially closer relationships, fragile self-esteem but "appear" self confident and unemotional – except for anger, trouble keeping healthy close relationships.
Narcissistic personality disorder is much more prevalent in males than females. Narcissists can typically have borderline personality, anxiety and depression from childhood. They have a tendency to be “workaholics” especially if they have success and are good at what they do. This is filling, again, that void from their childhood to build their self-esteem and/or avoid the realities of their outside emotional life. They also are known to use stimulants to escape the “emotional realm” like, drugs, alcohol, gambling, sports, television, video games, etc. They often have had pornography issues because this is a fantasy relationship that they can control in their mind and there is no risk; which also can give them a fixation with masturbation because it gives them physically what they need without the burden of “emotional connection”. Extra marital affairs are prevalent because it boosts their self-image and is noncommittal; even if they have a loving spouse.
Description:
People who are overly narcissistic commonly feel rejected, humiliated and threatened when given constructive criticism. To protect themselves from this “perceived danger”; they react with disdain, blaming others, anger/rage and denial and shun the ones trying to help them. Subconsciously, people are things to be used for their benefit to fill the lack of emotional needs that weren’t met as a child. They eventually sabotage or destroy their good/close relationships and often isolate themselves and keep their surface relationships so they won’t be lonely (again, another form of using). Personal male/female relationships are usually at a surface level because this would require them to be vulnerable and that is “perceived danger”. Narcissists generalized that all are harmful and cannot be trusted. They create a false persona as a protective barrier – like a false identity.
No matter how skilled an extreme a narcissist is, they have a major “attachment dysfunction”. The extreme narcissist is frozen in childhood in the emotional/relational area. They become emotionally stuck at the time of their major trauma of separation/attachment. Typically, their emotional age and maturity corresponds to the age they experienced their major trauma. This trauma was devastating to the point that it almost killed that child emotionally. The pain never was totally gone and the bleeding was continuous. In order to survive, this child had to construct a protective barrier that insulates themselves from the external world of people. They generalized that all people are harmful and cannot be trusted. They are very defensive and self-protective.
The protective insulation barrier that they constructed is called a false persona. They create a false identity. This identity is not the true person inside. The many types of false personas or identities that an extreme narcissist creates can vary.
Some narcissists may have the ability to change into a “variety” of identities according to the situation. The wounded child inside may choose to present a front as a tough individual. They may even look, by appearance, intimidating and scary to the average person. (walking around with a scowl) They could also play the “nice guy/person” whom everyone likes. A corporate type version can be one that is diplomatic, proper and appearing to care but in reality does not. They only care what people think about themselves; which falsely fills their lack of self-esteem. Another very likeable extreme narcissist can be the one that chooses the comedian role. But all-in-all they usually shut down and put up the thick wall.
Narcissists try to sustain an image of perfection and personal invincibility (which can appear prideful) for themselves and attempt to project that impression to others. They will sidestep your questions with joke or making you suddenly forget what you were asking. Narcissists can be very skilled at dodging and ducking questions they don’t want to answer. If you press them, they will then “slot” you as “unsafe” and will begin to avoid you.
People with narcissistic personality disorder often display condescending or patronizing attitudes. For example, they treat you like you don’t know much and talk to you like you are a beginner on subjects you already know. This is also a conscious or subconscious way of building up their own self-esteem. They can be unreasonable in their expectations. Example, they may emotionally hurt someone (often the case) and expect the other person to just move on and get over it. They are “unwilling” to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
There is also the success-oriented narcissist. They will be your friend and keep you close to themselves (so it appears) as long as you are useful. They can be giving but it will be always from a non-emotional level using material things to make you think they care. If you have needs emotionally, then the narcissist will avoid you. It does not matter that you have helped the narcissist in their critical moments of their life; they lack empathy for you.
Is there hope for even an extreme narcissist living in the “emotional and relational fort” of isolation. Is a narcissist able to have a healthy life? Definitely! Some extreme narcissists have become very healthy in their emotional and relational lives but it took hard work. They typically don't think they are the problem so usually don't seek help unless they are in a place of devastation; which is the biggest reason why many are not healed. Also, they have a tendency to quit when the going gets tuff, especially when the focus is change. Having to change would dismantle their corrupted belief system of their ideal of who they "think" they are. They also like being in control so change is not an area they usually want to enter because they would have to put themselves in a vulnerable place.
The first step is to find competent help that knows how to heal childhood emotional traumas through the help of the Holy Spirit. Just because a counselor may have all kinds of credentials it does not mean they are competent in dealing effectively with childhood trauma issues in this way. Sometimes the person has blocked out horrible memories and the Holy Spirit can bring these memories forth but in a way that does not traumatize the person. Because extreme narcissists have an early history of emotional wounds, they are full of distrust. If they can get past this hurdle then they can begin to allow help to heal as long as they don’t terminate their treatment/help; which does happen a lot.
Secondly, extreme narcissists have to be willing to enter the realm of their childhood feelings again. They have been the masters of covering and hiding, even to themselves. They now have to start uncovering these early painful wounds. They have taught themselves to stuff and disconnect their feelings for years. Because of this, they tend to live inside their heads, in the realm of fantasy. This domain is a realm they feel they can control. It is devoid of feelings especially for others. The realm of the heart or feelings is very intimidating and unsafe to them because it is non-linear and there is very little control of the outcomes.
If extreme narcissists can overcome these two hurdles then there is much hope for them. They are on their road to healing. However, it is very important to not reinforce their pathologic beliefs. They have been in denial for years and it is a must to keep showing them the reality of things and speak only truth to them. Understand, they can wear you out by being cruel when you speak truth but ignoring their pathological behavior will only help them stay in denial.
In conclusion, here is the Christian perspective:
Jesus can heal. This person must go back to childhood wounds and face them but also know that Jesus will help them change if they allow Him to. They need very close accountability for a while to help them stay on the path of truth so they will not go back to the lies and habits they have believed in the past. They also must stretch themselves and begin to be giving emotionally to others, especially the ones closest to themselves and not expecting a payback. As children, the ones closest to them were the most emotionally dangerous so they have “labeled” ALL their closest relationships as dangerous. This is a lie.
Learned manipulative behaviors from parents, severe emotional and/or physical abuse, unpredictable or unreliable caregiving from parents, narcissistic parent(s), excessive praise for good behavior or excessive criticism for bad behavior; which leads to shame and false guilt, major trauma from separation/attachment, severe emotional neglect; which is another form of abuse. These can be just some of the things the child had experienced.
Adulthood:
Lack of empathy, underlying sense of entitlement, exaggerated self concern, unable to have deep relationships, constant denial of damages they inflicted, themselves – if they do admit, its at a very minimal emotional level, destructive and self-defeating in marriages, failure to recognize others emotions, feelings and needs – especially closer relationships, fragile self-esteem but "appear" self confident and unemotional – except for anger, trouble keeping healthy close relationships.
Narcissistic personality disorder is much more prevalent in males than females. Narcissists can typically have borderline personality, anxiety and depression from childhood. They have a tendency to be “workaholics” especially if they have success and are good at what they do. This is filling, again, that void from their childhood to build their self-esteem and/or avoid the realities of their outside emotional life. They also are known to use stimulants to escape the “emotional realm” like, drugs, alcohol, gambling, sports, television, video games, etc. They often have had pornography issues because this is a fantasy relationship that they can control in their mind and there is no risk; which also can give them a fixation with masturbation because it gives them physically what they need without the burden of “emotional connection”. Extra marital affairs are prevalent because it boosts their self-image and is noncommittal; even if they have a loving spouse.
Description:
People who are overly narcissistic commonly feel rejected, humiliated and threatened when given constructive criticism. To protect themselves from this “perceived danger”; they react with disdain, blaming others, anger/rage and denial and shun the ones trying to help them. Subconsciously, people are things to be used for their benefit to fill the lack of emotional needs that weren’t met as a child. They eventually sabotage or destroy their good/close relationships and often isolate themselves and keep their surface relationships so they won’t be lonely (again, another form of using). Personal male/female relationships are usually at a surface level because this would require them to be vulnerable and that is “perceived danger”. Narcissists generalized that all are harmful and cannot be trusted. They create a false persona as a protective barrier – like a false identity.
No matter how skilled an extreme a narcissist is, they have a major “attachment dysfunction”. The extreme narcissist is frozen in childhood in the emotional/relational area. They become emotionally stuck at the time of their major trauma of separation/attachment. Typically, their emotional age and maturity corresponds to the age they experienced their major trauma. This trauma was devastating to the point that it almost killed that child emotionally. The pain never was totally gone and the bleeding was continuous. In order to survive, this child had to construct a protective barrier that insulates themselves from the external world of people. They generalized that all people are harmful and cannot be trusted. They are very defensive and self-protective.
The protective insulation barrier that they constructed is called a false persona. They create a false identity. This identity is not the true person inside. The many types of false personas or identities that an extreme narcissist creates can vary.
Some narcissists may have the ability to change into a “variety” of identities according to the situation. The wounded child inside may choose to present a front as a tough individual. They may even look, by appearance, intimidating and scary to the average person. (walking around with a scowl) They could also play the “nice guy/person” whom everyone likes. A corporate type version can be one that is diplomatic, proper and appearing to care but in reality does not. They only care what people think about themselves; which falsely fills their lack of self-esteem. Another very likeable extreme narcissist can be the one that chooses the comedian role. But all-in-all they usually shut down and put up the thick wall.
Narcissists try to sustain an image of perfection and personal invincibility (which can appear prideful) for themselves and attempt to project that impression to others. They will sidestep your questions with joke or making you suddenly forget what you were asking. Narcissists can be very skilled at dodging and ducking questions they don’t want to answer. If you press them, they will then “slot” you as “unsafe” and will begin to avoid you.
People with narcissistic personality disorder often display condescending or patronizing attitudes. For example, they treat you like you don’t know much and talk to you like you are a beginner on subjects you already know. This is also a conscious or subconscious way of building up their own self-esteem. They can be unreasonable in their expectations. Example, they may emotionally hurt someone (often the case) and expect the other person to just move on and get over it. They are “unwilling” to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
There is also the success-oriented narcissist. They will be your friend and keep you close to themselves (so it appears) as long as you are useful. They can be giving but it will be always from a non-emotional level using material things to make you think they care. If you have needs emotionally, then the narcissist will avoid you. It does not matter that you have helped the narcissist in their critical moments of their life; they lack empathy for you.
Is there hope for even an extreme narcissist living in the “emotional and relational fort” of isolation. Is a narcissist able to have a healthy life? Definitely! Some extreme narcissists have become very healthy in their emotional and relational lives but it took hard work. They typically don't think they are the problem so usually don't seek help unless they are in a place of devastation; which is the biggest reason why many are not healed. Also, they have a tendency to quit when the going gets tuff, especially when the focus is change. Having to change would dismantle their corrupted belief system of their ideal of who they "think" they are. They also like being in control so change is not an area they usually want to enter because they would have to put themselves in a vulnerable place.
The first step is to find competent help that knows how to heal childhood emotional traumas through the help of the Holy Spirit. Just because a counselor may have all kinds of credentials it does not mean they are competent in dealing effectively with childhood trauma issues in this way. Sometimes the person has blocked out horrible memories and the Holy Spirit can bring these memories forth but in a way that does not traumatize the person. Because extreme narcissists have an early history of emotional wounds, they are full of distrust. If they can get past this hurdle then they can begin to allow help to heal as long as they don’t terminate their treatment/help; which does happen a lot.
Secondly, extreme narcissists have to be willing to enter the realm of their childhood feelings again. They have been the masters of covering and hiding, even to themselves. They now have to start uncovering these early painful wounds. They have taught themselves to stuff and disconnect their feelings for years. Because of this, they tend to live inside their heads, in the realm of fantasy. This domain is a realm they feel they can control. It is devoid of feelings especially for others. The realm of the heart or feelings is very intimidating and unsafe to them because it is non-linear and there is very little control of the outcomes.
If extreme narcissists can overcome these two hurdles then there is much hope for them. They are on their road to healing. However, it is very important to not reinforce their pathologic beliefs. They have been in denial for years and it is a must to keep showing them the reality of things and speak only truth to them. Understand, they can wear you out by being cruel when you speak truth but ignoring their pathological behavior will only help them stay in denial.
In conclusion, here is the Christian perspective:
Jesus can heal. This person must go back to childhood wounds and face them but also know that Jesus will help them change if they allow Him to. They need very close accountability for a while to help them stay on the path of truth so they will not go back to the lies and habits they have believed in the past. They also must stretch themselves and begin to be giving emotionally to others, especially the ones closest to themselves and not expecting a payback. As children, the ones closest to them were the most emotionally dangerous so they have “labeled” ALL their closest relationships as dangerous. This is a lie.
If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray
and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways,
then I will hear from heaven and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land.
2 Chronicles 7:14
and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways,
then I will hear from heaven and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land.
2 Chronicles 7:14